In a dysfunctional family, a scapegoat is typically the family member who is unfairly blamed for most, if not all, of the family’s problems. This person is often singled out and criticized excessively, often as a way for other family members to deflect attention from their own flaws, mistakes, or issues. The scapegoat is used as a way for the family to project their own guilt, shame, or negative feelings onto one individual, thereby creating a false sense of unity or distraction from the real problems within the family dynamics. This role can have significant emotional and psychological effects on the scapegoated individual, including feelings of low self-esteem, isolation, and confusion about their own self-worth.
7 Signs of a Family Scapegoat
- Constantly Feeling Ignored
If you feel as though your parents don’t have time for you and treat your siblings differently, it may be part of a scapegoat pattern. Scapegoating is not the only explanation for this behavior, but it is one possible explanation. The silent treatment is a tactic parents use to challenge their children to work through problems independently. An unfortunate effect of these kinds of tactics is that direction can be unclear, and children can struggle to grasp what is expected of them. Another is expecting to be ignored when they are struggling.
- Always Being Cast in a Negative Light
There are multiple ways to interpret behaviors. Treating another member differently by interpreting their motivations in a negative way is how family scapegoats are treated. Of course, rare or uncommon instances of this behavior can be understandable, but consistent instances of this may indicate these scapegoating patterns.
- Justifying the Situation
If a parent has a child that is being scapegoated, the parent may justify this behavior and find excuses as to why their child is the scapegoat. They may look for examples and reasons as to why their child is the scapegoat. For example, look for past mistakes, poor behavior or maybe even flaws in their child to justify the scapegoating behavior.
- Triangulation
Triangulation is when a third person is brought into a relationship to stabilize a two-person relationship. The tension that existed in the two-person dynamic may decrease, but it can create a dynamic where one part of the triangle (such as the scapegoat) is left out.
- Manipulation
Manipulation is similar to triangulation in some ways, but it is different in the sense that people use manipulation tactics with purpose. Triangulation is essentially created in a relationship to help manage anxiety, while manipulation would be there to achieve some other outcome. For example, a child may lie about their sibling doing something bad to get out of trouble. It is also possible for this behavior to extend into adulthood as well.
A child lying about something bad they did is a far cry from manipulating their parents to isolate their sibling from the family. Long-term, these lies can have a devastating effect, and recognizing these signs sooner rather than later can help.
- Successes Aren’t Recognized
Thinking negatively about a scapegoat is one part of the lost opportunity in this pattern. The other part is that the positive sides aren’t noticed either. This part of the pattern happens because accepting new information is difficult. It counters narratives you may have held about people in your life.
- Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a denial of reality to another person to raise doubts in their minds. This kind of emotionally damaging practice can lead to deep wounds. A scapegoat that has experienced this may still struggle with the doubts they have from those conversations.
How to heal from a scapegoat role
Healing from the role of a scapegoat in a dysfunctional family is a challenging but essential process for your emotional well-being. Here are some steps to help you heal:
Recognize the Role: Acknowledge that you were unfairly blamed and that the problems in the family were not your fault. Understanding this is crucial to separating your self-worth from the role imposed on you.
Seek Therapy: Working with a therapist, especially one familiar with family dynamics and trauma, can be extremely beneficial. They can help you process your experiences, rebuild self-esteem, and develop healthier boundaries.
Establish Boundaries: Learn to set clear and firm boundaries with family members who continue to treat you as a scapegoat. This might include limiting contact or disengaging from toxic interactions.
Self-Compassion: Practice self-compassion and be gentle with yourself. Understand that the scapegoating was a reflection of the family’s dysfunction, not your worth or identity.
Build a Support System: Surround yourself with people who respect and support you. This can include friends, support groups, or communities that allow you to be yourself without judgment.
Educate Yourself: Learn about family dynamics, narcissism, and scapegoating. Understanding these concepts can help you make sense of your experiences and see them more objectively.
Redefine Your Identity: Begin to explore and establish your identity outside of the scapegoat role. Engage in activities that bring you joy, and pursue goals that align with your true self.
Let Go of Guilt and Shame: Work on releasing any internalized guilt or shame that you may have carried from being the scapegoat. This can be a gradual process, often aided by therapy or journaling.
Forgive (Optional): Forgiving your family doesn’t mean condoning their behavior but rather releasing the hold that their actions have over your emotional state. This is a personal choice and should be done at your own pace, if at all.
Focus on Personal Growth: Channel your energy into personal development and healing. This could involve mindfulness practices, meditation, or pursuing creative outlets that allow you to express yourself.
Healing is a journey, and it’s okay to take it one step at a time. Recognize the progress you make along the way, and celebrate your resilience in overcoming the challenges you’ve faced.
